Dark

 Before I start this blog and also you blame me cause I didn't write any blog for a long time, I apologize to you.

I'm sorry.

However, today I will take about something dark inside me. It seems to be emptiness more than darkness.

This horrible feeling about nothing in my life it's actually something ugly.

Imagine that the meaning of life's circling turns out to be nothing in your eyes.

When you just wake up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself just grow up another day but with a useless point.

How can you accept this point to happen in your life easily without angry feelings just burning inside you?

As I said it's an ugly feeling and it's not so easy to accept and pass without doing something even just feel guilt inside you.

I'm saying all of these feelings because this is me nowadays.

Yeah, a huge gap inside my heart because of this emptiness and I'm fighting this feeling every day.

Fighting so strongly to survive and to do my daily job as I'm still alive.

I can tell you all how it so hurt me but people who have a strong love for me have another story.

This love is the only reason why I didn't surround myself until now and explain why I still tolerate all of these pains.

People's love is like the light in face of darkness. Like a sharp sword to fight this emptiness.

No matter how we lose from our health, but we need to win at the end of this war.

You can be strong if you have this sword or love even from one person

In the end, this is something few of what I have inside me. 

نعامة

 لقد أصبحت مثل البحَّار الذي يُبحِرُ عُبَاب البحر بلا ميناء.

لقد أصبحت كالمسافر على بعيرٍ من غير وجهة أو هداية.

لقد أصبحت ذلك الكائن الوحيد وهدير العالم المزعج من حوله.

لقد أصبحت حياتي في بحرٍ من التيه.

وفي نهاية الأمر ...

أصبحت كالنعامة التي تركض بكل ما أعطاها الله من قوة لكي تهرب من الأخطار التي تحدق بها من كل صوب ثم بعد ذلك تقوم بطمر رأسها في التراب حتى تشعر بالأمان.

هي كذلك ولا أعتقد أنها ستكون غير ذلك.

هو ذات الشعور منذ سنواتٍ مضت ولم يتغير شيء، رغم أن كل شيء تغير إلا أن الثبات في حياتي لا يزال كما هو من دون نيةٍ للتغير أو حتى رغبة جامحة في الوصول إلى تسوية مرضية.

هي تلك الكلمات التي تتصارع بداخلي ولا أستطيع تحديد مشاعرها بدقة أو حتى معرفة سبب صراعها المستمر.

وبكل أسف فإن هذا الشعور الصامت الذي يستشري بداخلي والذي لا أستطيع أن أبني عليه فعل حقيقي هو ذات الشعور الذي يؤرقني عن النوم بهدوءٍ وسلام.

ولربما تكررت بعض الألفاظ التي أرددها بين حينٍ وآخر في مدونتي المتواضعة حول التقدم بالعمر والشعر بالوحدانية رغم توافر كل مقومات الحياة السليمة من حولي. لكن الشعور والرغبة التي بداخلي في أن أبوح هنا في هذه المدونة وبشكل مستمر وغير منقطع هو ما يدفعني للكتابة اليوم وأن أختار هذا العنوان لهذه المدونة "نعامة".

نعم، فالنعامة عادةً ما تُضرب عند العرب كمثالٍ على الجبن والخوف. لكن هل النعامة في الحقيقة هي تطمر رأسها من أجل الشعور بالجبن والخوف أم أن طمرها للرأس لكي تشعر بالهدوء والأمان والابتعاد عن ملوثات الحياة من حولها؟

وبالطبع فالتساؤل هنا بشكل مجازي وليس بشكل حقيقي، وكل ما أرجوه هو أن تصل تلك الفكرة التي تقبع في أعمق نقطة بداخلي إلى عقولكم وأن تستوعبوا هذا الحديث الذي أكتبه إليكم اليوم.

وتزاد حيرتي أكثر عندما أقوم بالنظر إلى نفسي وحيداً، سائراً، لا يستطيع أن يشاهد ما حوله، رغم أن المكان مزدحمٍ بالبشر وأصواتهم عالية ويتحدثون بطريقة متعالية.

أم أنني أريد الهرب فقط من هذا الجحيم وهذا الشعور الذي يعتريني ولا أعلم حقيقةً عن سبب تواجده يستشري بداخلي ولهذا فأنا أدَّعِي بألا شيء يحدث من حولنا وأن جميع الأمور تسير بطريقة مدروسة وموزونة وصحيحة وفق حسابات دقيقة لا تخطئها أقدار الحياة.

لا أستطيع أن أجزم بشكل كامل حول حقيقة الأمر ولا أستطيع أن أخبركم بالمزيد لأن الأفكار التي بداخلي قد نضبت وأشعر بأنني قد أخرجت كل ما بداخلي من مشاعر آنية في هذه اللحظات من الزمن.

وأرجو أن يكون حديثي معكم في هذه المرة واضحاً تمام الوضوح وأن تصل فكرتي وفلسفتي إليكم بشكل مبسط

 

محبكم

#أحمد_حسين_فلمبان

كاتب & محاسب

#إبتسامة_قلم

 

Scrambled Mix

Before anything I will say, there is a small explanation I want to clarify in the beginning about this blog. 

In the previous days, I just found myself that I want to talk or speak more about something inside me, so I opened the Notes App on my iPhone and I wrote many different notes without a specific reason. Then I found myself today that I want to collect all these notes and smartly tied them in one blog, so let's begin from the next line.

In the beginning, I just asked myself this question, "Why I can't be a normal guy like every human being alive on this earth?"

This simple question just jumped into my mind while I was trying to sleep minutes ago.

In searching for the answer I guess as what I believe or I can see, it's because I don't want to be at the bottom of this life.

I have always wanted to be #1 in this simple life.

Unfortunately, I can't feel satisfied inside me cause I can feel by my soul that every time I see myself at the top, I need to raise more.

It's complicated but fighting in this life doesn't stop under any circumstances. 

As a result of the previous point, when did someone ask me "What is your privilege in this life or in another way What is the unique thing you can do for people around you?

I may laugh a long time before I give my answer. 

Simply, because I can't decide a specific thing I can do. I love to learn something new every day. 

The lazy person who doesn't add something new to his/her dictionary.

For that reason, here is my advice.

"Every day you should add new knowledge to your dictionary". 

In conclusion, when people look at me as a nerd guy, it isn't because something lack in me but it's because they can't do something equal to what I did.

See the level of ego I reached !!!

Always keep yourself immune against people's talk.

Do whatever you want to do and ignore everything else. 

Humble

Before I continue writing this blog, I just want to say something to anyone who is a native English person. I would like to say that English is my second language after my first & native language Arabic, so I would like to try avoiding focusing on the Grammar that I used in this blog. I know, I should write in Arabic but I prefer to use English because I can explain more about my feeling inside me at this moment while I'm writing right now.

Ok, let's get back to the title of this blog "Humble" and let me speak about my experience from my daily life with people whatever they are.

In the beginning, I'm really proud of myself that I can deal and talk with people everywhere. In English or my native Arabic and I can understand their position in social life such as if they are rich or poor people or even in the middle class. This point gives me an easier way to understand their behavior and the way they deal with me in the back way. I always open my hand to them with no hesitation in waiting for their feedback. You can say this is humble behavior but not just that. I try every time to help them before even they ask me for any help.

For instance, the everyday morning I try to use apps on my smartphone to contact my close friends inside Saudi or even outside Saudi and ask them whether if they need something or if everything is just OK. Also, I ask them if they have any daily schedules to share with them. No problem with me if tonight just attending a literary event with official gust, then the next hour just shares with my friends watching a score game on TV at any coffee shop.

See, it's easy for us if we deal with this life like a simple & humble human with no caring about who we are. Are we rich, middle, or poor people? It doesn't matter. What matter is how people or let say family, close friend's then normal people surround us, they accept us and love to deal with, talk, or even sharing us their life. Also, even a tiny detail in their life.

In the end, I would like to close this blog with small advice and I'll put it between quotation marks "Being humble every day has a benefit for you before you take it from people, it's a good legacy after you die and people will always remember this legacy. They will not forget at all"